Season Seven Chakotay II: No Longer Working
by Cassatt
Summary: JC: Sequel to Season 7 Chakotay set after Workforce Chakotay and Janeway find that keeping promises for the future can be difficult. Angsty.


Disclaimer: Paramount owns them.  
Rating: PG-13 

Summary: Sequel to Season Seven Chakotay. Takes place one day after "Workforce".  
Kathryn tells Chakotay one thing too many about Jaffen and Chakotay's emotional  
self control over the experience caves.

_Copyright February 2001 Cassatt_

Season Seven Chakotay II  
No Longer Working

"I love you." She said it quietly, though the doors to her quarters had already closed so he wouldn't have heard it either way. Her chest was heavy with unbidden feelings, with unspoken words and with what looked like an unattainable future.

_"I'm sorry, Chakotay..."_

_"There's nothing to apologize for Kathryn. You were not yourself."_

_She saw the hurt in his eyes, however. He had never been able to hide that from her, not after all these years. She watched him stand, stiffly, hands going behind his back to clasp, almost at attention. Damn._

_"If there's nothing else?" He asked._

_She sighed to herself in resignation. "No. Thank you. For everything."_

_He nodded. "Good night then."_

_"Good night, Chakotay." She watched him leave. "I love you."_

* * *

Tom walked the corridors, unable to fully rest in his quarters. B'Elanna was safely asleep with the fatigue of early pregnancy. Harry was taking time to himself to practice his sax, working on a new composition, his own particular coping method. Tom thought about the holodeck schedule, trying to remember who had time right then. Nobody, he realized, and not surprisingly. He took the lift. 

Holodeck one was in use and the program surprised him. Sandrine's was playing. He checked the occupants and was more surprised. Upon entering he quickly scanned the room, noting that the holographic characters were abundant but only one human life form was present, sitting at the bar, nursing a glass of amber liquid. Tom took a deep breath and approached, sitting down next to him, smiling at Sandrine who came over instantly.

"Tommy, how nice to zee you. What are you having?"

"I'll have a beer, thanks."

The man spoke. "Tom."

"Chakotay." He nodded to his commanding officer.

"You'd best be careful, the safety protocols are off. No synthehol tonight."

"So what are you drinking?" Concern was creeping into his voice. He rarely, if ever, saw Chakotay drink.

"Whiskey." Chakotay took another slow swallow, swirling the liquid, watching it in apparent fascination.

"Are you okay?" Tom turned in his seat but Chakotay continued to stare at his glass.

"Couldn't be better. Fine. Excellent." He downed the rest of the alcohol and motioned for a refill which Sandrine was only too happy to give him with a sly wink. Another swallow was taken, emptying half the glass.

Tom felt a little out of his element. Counseling was Chakotay's bailiwick, if anyone's. But watching a man he had deep respect for, drinking himself into possibly sure oblivion was not something he could ignore. And he was fairly certain of the reasons behind it.

"So, do you want to talk about it? The Captain I mean? I promise, nothing will go beyond these walls, you have my word."

At that, Chakotay chuckled mirthlessly. "What is there to say, Tom?" He emptied the glass again, and again it was refilled.

"Chakotay..."

The sound of the glass being slammed down hard on the bar shocked Tom into silence. "What do you want to hear? How it feels to have someone rip your heart into tiny pieces over and over again?!" The rest of the whiskey was thrown down Chakotay's throat and again he called for more.

Tom steeled himself. He wasn't about to let Chakotay do this alone. "She's not doing it to you..."

"She's _not!?_ You don't know what the hell you're talking about, Tom! Leave it alone.." Chakotay's voice had dropped an octave at least and the threat was clear. But with their history, their friendship forged over the past year or so, Tom only rose to the bait.

"Why don't you _tell_ me, then. What _is_ it about? Damn it, Chakotay, you need to talk. It might as well be to me!"

Chakotay's shoulders slumped as he exhaled forcefully. Another swallow of alcohol was taken. "You don't have any idea. What she and I have been through. What we ... how hard we've tried. The promises. And then she ..." He snapped his fingers with surprising coordination. "Just like that, she's _in love_. Again. Always so easy for her. Everywhere else. Wave a man in front of her face and boom, she's gone again... You have no idea..."

It was Tom's turn to down some alcohol, taking time to think. He was getting the picture and a surprising picture it was. Even with all the speculation, the apparent love between his two commanding officers, no one knew details. He didn't want Chakotay to tell him too much because Tom would be the one to pay for the indiscretion in the end. He was certain of that. And yet, the man by his side needed to vent, needed to hear Tom's perspective.

"But Chakotay, she was drugged. She didn't know who she was. How can you hold her responsible?"

"And how can she think she's _in love_? And what does that say about..." He studied the bar, running his fingers in some cracks, tracing water stains.

"About what? Did she make promises to you?"

"Let's just say we have an understanding. Barriers won't be crossed _here_..." Chakotay took another drink.

Tom finally got it. "But once you get home?"

"Yeah, big fucking deal. Hold me out there, dangling, like a puppet, or a carrot..."

"Chakotay...I don't think that's how she looks at the situation. The Captain doesn't make promises she has no intention of keeping, and she doesn't make them lightly. And," he took a deep breath for courage, "I would hazard a guess she loves you just as much as you love her." He waited for the explosion. It didn't come. Instead he watched Chakotay empty his glass and pull himself up, a little shakily, swaying slightly.

"And that's the bullshit of it all, Tom. Bullshit. All of it."

Tom stood quickly and took his arm, brooking no arguments, helping his friend walk out of the holodeck and into the turbolift, not at all sure of what to say in response to Chakotay's despondency. But more than able to stay, to help him get to his quarters and hopefully to bed without anyone knowing.

* * *

"Chakotay, you have to key in the opening code..." Tom was, by now, almost supporting the big man's weight, the alcohol finally hitting Chakotay's system with force. 

"I have, _damn it_, why won't th' door open?"

"Just tell me the code then, and I'll do it..." Tom was frustrated, having watched Chakotay's fingers miss the pad more than they connected with it.

"Can't tell you...against prot'cols..." Chakotay began to laugh at that, the joke escaping Tom entirely. He was getting frantic, afraid the Captain would awaken and wonder at the commotion near her doorway. "...against prot'cols...funny..." Chakotay slammed his hand against the door in mirth.

The sound of a door opening too closely made Tom's heart pound in his chest. _Damn it_, he thought

The Captain came right up to them, in her robe, assessing the situation quickly and without a word, keyed in an override code to the door. But when Chakotay registered she was there, he almost froze.

"Kathryn. I would...ap-_pre_-ciate it," he was working hard to get the sentence out, "if you would leave me...the hell...a-lone..." He stumbled into his quarters still hanging on Tom.

But she followed them in, skirting around to his bedroom, beginning to pull down his covers. "Tom, let's try and get his clothes off..."

Tom was surprised at her reaction. She seemed concerned, efficient, and yet there was a touch of sadness around her eyes as she looked at Chakotay.

"Kathryn! Go _away!" _Tom sat him on the bed and stooped to take off his boots. He planned to stay as quiet as possible.

"Sorry, Chakotay, you're not going to get rid of me that easily..." Kathryn began to unzip his jacket, pulling it off despite his flailing attempts to stop her. Tom got the boots off without getting kicked in the face.

"NO! Leave me 'lone! STOP that!" She was pulling his turtleneck off with less success.

"Chakotay!" She tried her Captain's timbre.

"Ooooo, I'm scared...Tom, you scared?" Chakotay slurred out. Kathryn took the opening and pulled hard, getting the shirt off in one motion. Chakotay looked directly at her for almost the first time, their eyes locking. Tom took a step back. "Why won't you leave?" The sentence was spoken with astounding clarity.

"Because. I...You...I want to help. Let me. Please." Tom heard the tenderness in her voice and felt his throat close. He saw Chakotay's eyes flash briefly, then cloud over, then get misty, then shut down along with his face.

"Bullshit..." He muttered.

Kathryn chuckled softly. "No, it's not bullshit, Chakotay, it's not."

"Love everyone else..." The muttering continued as more clothing was removed. "Love, love, love, bullshit...not me...wait for me...wait, wait, wait...never me...never ...prot'cols...bullshit..." They got him down to his briefs and under the covers finally. They could both hear the snores begin.

Kathryn turned to her pilot. "Tom, would you do me a favor? Go to sickbay and get me some meds for him - for the morning? I'll wait here."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And Tom? How much did he drink?"

"Well... Hard to say exactly. But at least four glasses of whiskey, maybe more before I got there."

"Did he talk about why he was drinking?"

Tom wasn't sure how to answer that. Did she really not know, or was she wanting to know how much Chakotay had said. "We talked. I have a pretty good idea why, Captain." He met her eyes without flinching.

"I see. I trust it will stay between the three of us? I don't want him embarrassed, Tom. Not in the least. I won't stand for it." The words came out like steel but Tom got the meaning behind them.

"Don't worry. I won't say anything, unless he wants to talk again. I promised him. But," he hesitated, "he needs to understand more than he does, if you don't mind me saying so. He...he's going to give up otherwise." He watched his Captain's eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry, I just thought you should know. I wouldn't want to see that happen."

Kathryn wiped her face briskly. "Neither would I, Tom, believe me. Thank you."

"Yes ma'am. I'll be right back."

After the doors closed Kathryn sat on the bed, watching Chakotay sleep, tears falling down her cheeks silently.

* * *

The next morning Tom was given a new assignment for a few hours, his place at the helm taken by Ensign Rush. At 0800 he keyed in an override code given to him by the Captain, and entered Chakotay's quarters. The wake-up alarm had been disengaged before they left him and sure enough, Tom could hear the snoring still. 

He took the two hyposprays off the bedside table and perched himself on the edge of the bed, hesitating, wanting to let the man sleep it off, but knowing he was under orders. The Captain assumed that Chakotay wouldn't want to wake up alone, hung over, and hours late for his duty shift. Not that he was expected to fulfill it, she just didn't want to take any of his dignity away. So Tom gently shook his commanding officer's shoulder, relieved when it only took a few times to get the man to open his eyes.

"Good morning, Chakotay... I'm sure you must feel like shit," Tom smiled. "So," he held up the sprays, "I have some meds for you, okay?"

"Go away Tom..." Chakotay closed his eyes again. "Bring me a phaser instead..."

Tom laughed, pleased to see the sense of humor hadn't completely left. "For yourself or for me? Sorry, no can do. I'm going to inject you now, ready?"

"Fuck off..." He muttered.

Tom put the sprays against Chakotay's neck and injected them, replaced the dosages with fresh ones he brought with him, then put the hyposprays back on the table.

"Now, sir, I am at your beck and call. The medications you can use again in three hours if your symptoms return. Would you like some help getting to the shower? Something to eat?"

"Time."

"It's 0810. You are relieved of duty shift today, Captain's orders, so the day is your own."

Chakotay opened his eyes. "And why the hell would she do that?" He asked with an edge to his voice. Tom steeled himself yet again.

"Because she was concerned about you and thought a day off would be a nice thing."

"Yeah, right," he muttered. "Well, Tom, thank you for the medication, now you may leave." Chakotay sat up and looked as though the process had gone fairly smoothly.

"But I'm..."

"That's an order. Good bye." Chakotay stared at him.

Tom thought for a moment, knowing that the Captain's orders superseded this one, but also knowing that the man didn't need his help. Or that's how it looked to him. "Fine. But, if you'd like some company today for lunch, or maybe tonight for some pool, let me know. And Chakotay," Tom used his name deliberately, "do me a favor?"

He growled, "What."

Tom dropped his voice slightly, "Don't give up on the Captain, at least not until you've had a little time to think things over, talk to her, listen to her side of things. We're getting closer to home every day. I'd hate for you to do something you'll regret later."

"And when did you get to be such an expert?"

"Since I got married to the love of my life and found myself ready to be a father. Sort of changes your perspective. Speaking of my wife, talk to B'Elanna if you don't want to talk to me. Please." Tom stood up and turned to leave.

"Tom?" He faced the bed again, meeting Chakotay's eyes directly. "Thank you. For last night, for the meds, for the unasked for advice. I appreciate it."

"No problem, Commander. See you later."

After Tom left, Chakotay sat in bed, trying to think through the fog shrouded miasma that was his brain. After a hot shower and a little breakfast, a very little breakfast, he decided to take a walk and went to the holodeck to run his forest program. He let the trees talk to him.

* * *

Kathryn sat on the bridge, fidgeting in her chair, her finger itching to tap her comm and call Chakotay, or Tom. She heard the turbolift doors and with her heart in her throat she turned around only to feel disappointed seeing the face of her pilot. But he was the next best thing. 

"Ensign Rush, remain at the helm," Kathryn ordered her, motioning to Tom to follow her into the ready room. Once the door shut she fired questions at him about Chakotay.

"Captain, I think he's fine. He took his medications like a good sailor and he almost looked human by the time I left. He ordered me out and I thought it was best to follow the order."

"Did he mention what his plans were for the day, if he had any?"

"He didn't have any. He'd only been awake for a few minutes when I left."

"That soon? And you're sure he's all right?"

"Physically I'd say he's doing almost fine. The rest of it, I have no idea."

"Okay. Thanks, Tom. You can go back to work now." Kathryn waved her hand toward the door.

"You're welcome, Captain. Let me know if there's _anything_ else I can do."

"I will."

After he left, she called for a location on Chakotay. Holodeck two was the response. She then told the computer to update her if the Commander's location changed.

Over the next hour and a half, according to her updates, Chakotay had gone from the holodeck to the mess hall then to his quarters and back to the holodeck. Kathryn felt a little bit concerned, afraid he might have decided to start drinking again so she asked which program was now running. Chakotay two three six zero. She had never heard of it, a fact that caused the sore spot in her heart to ache anew. Well at least it wasn't Sandrine's, she reasoned. Though perhaps he had developed a night spot of his own, with his own holographic woman or women. She asked the computer if a secure door lock was in place on the holodeck and received an affirmative response. This fact drove her out of her ready room. She passed the bridge to Tuvok as she walked toward the lift, intending to take a walk around the corridors, needing to move, needing to get the images playing in her head out of there as soon as possible, as though her legs moving would be the driving force to accomplish that.

* * *

Standing at the door to holodeck two Kathryn mulled over the possibilities, her responsibilities, her ethics, her feelings and their relationship. She didn't intend to spy, not exactly, just check up on him to allay her concerns. She took a deep breath and keyed in an override code and stepped through the opened doors. She re-established the secure door lock and felt better for it. 

This was no bar nor nightclub. She entered a very lush forest, complete with bird sounds and dappled sunlight. It was beautiful. After hesitating for a few minutes she concluded it would be okay for her to follow the path and see where he was. Make sure he was fine.

Kathryn came upon a clearing, in the middle of which was a large mound with a doorway covered with a flap of fabric, or leather, she couldn't tell from her vantage point. Next to this earthen mound was a small pool of water. Chakotay was nowhere to be seen. Upon studying the details more closely she saw a thin stream of smoke coming from a hole in the top of the mound. She decided to sit behind some bushes at the edge of the clearing next to a large tree and wait. For him to come out. Not spying exactly. Just to be certain he was okay.

* * *

Chakotay was almost finished with the purification process. He had completed the first two rounds with decreasing difficulty and this third time in the sweat lodge was proceeding smoothly. His chanting continued, the light that had finally appeared in his chest spread, hitting his ribs, then to his skin, then down to his belly and his legs, anchoring him to the ground he sat on. He changed to the sky spirit chant and the light moved up through his head, following the path of the smoke that he saw moving all the way through the ship to the stars outside. He felt cleansed of self hate, unworthiness, and most of all jealousy. He pulled the light back to his chest, to its safe spot, there for him to touch whenever he needed it. 

As he opened his eyes finally he put another stick on the fire and another wet stone on the pile, increasing the heat, smoke and steam, letting the toxic alcohol seep out of his pores as sweat poured down his body. When he could stand no more, he placed leaves of the tallow tree on the fire and waved the smoke around him. The ultimate act of purification. He sent another prayer of thanks to his father and mother for giving him life and tradition, and a prayer of thanks to the sky spirits for the gift they gave him six years previous. He didn't want to leave this cocoon of his, but knew the pool awaited, the cool water glorious in its contrast against his skin. He crawled through the doorway and stood, finally, stretching fully.

* * *

Kathryn's heart skipped a beat or two to see Chakotay emerge, his body glistening with sweat, stretching and bending before stepping into the pool of water, disappearing under the surface. She blinked, wondering if she had only imagined him there. Her mind followed every contour she had seen, not that this was the first time she'd ever seen him without clothing. But the yearning she felt at that moment, the need for him, the want of him that he had reawakened in her a few months back was so strong she found herself holding her breath. How could he doubt her feelings for him? She kicked herself a dozen more times for the very recent past, hating this damned quadrant and all it had put them through, hating herself for continually hurting the man she loved. Her head dropped to her knees which she hugged tightly, finally letting the sobs come, hopefully silently, knowing she had truly ruined everything they were waiting for. Kathryn dimly heard water splashing. Knowing Chakotay was so close only fueled her grief.

* * *

Chakotay had just gotten out of the water when he heard it. A quiet sob. He told himself it was just a trick of his mind and reached for the towel. Drying the last bit of his body, bent to the task, he heard it again. He quickly put on his pants and walked closer to the edge of the clearing. Looking through the bushes his heart stopped. He pushed through the branches and sat next to her, one leg behind her and one in front, pulling her to his chest as she sobbed, feeling her relax into the embrace, getting her arms around his waist, her tears running down his skin. He thought his heart would break from the pain radiating off of her and felt a tear or two escape down his cheeks as well. Finally she quieted. 

Kathryn inhaled deeply as her tears subsided, the warm skin of Chakotay's chest beneath her cheek. He smelled of rain, and smoke, and something undefinable. She wished to stay right there for as long as possible.

"Kathryn..."

_Oh no_, she thought. _Please don't say it, I know, I just don't want to hear it..._

"I need to ask you something. Are you still willing to wait for me?"

She felt her heart slow to a crawl. "Yes," she answered quietly, afraid to hear his point.

"Thank you," he said just as quietly. "Because I would like to try, still, when we get home. I'll wait for you."

The tears started again and she was unable to stop them. They only lasted a short time, however, and finally she felt some joy return.

"So would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" She asked.

"Your quarters?"

"Yes, but I'll allow you to help cook."

He chuckled, "Oh, you'll allow it, huh. You do realize that even with your replicator fixed we still had a burned meal not too long ago..."

"Damn, you noticed," she grinned, pulling herself back upright. Their eyes locked. "Thank you, Chakotay. For not giving up."

"I tried, but I guess it's just not possible. I wouldn't want it any other way. Most times."

"I know. So tonight we'll make another toast. Another promise."

They smiled deeply at each other.

The end.


End file.
